How to Resolve Relationship Conflict & Relate More Deeply
On this page we offer you some general relationship advice to help you to manage the challenge of relationship or marriage and relate more deeply with your partner.
Read down the page or click on one of these sub-headings:
Our culture promotes two unhelpful 'myths' about relationship. The first is that we will fall in love with Mr/s Right, and then live happily ever after. The second is that when problems occur in our relationship, it is because they weren't Mr/s Right after all, but were Mr/s Wrong! Which means we should discard them and resume the search for Mr/s Right - hopefully before we get too jaded and give up the search altogether!
At NVC Resolutions our belief is that conflict is inevitable at some point in our relationships. This is due to the very nature of relationship and the dynamics of attraction. The 'stages of relationship' below, explains this more fully. So, if you are in conflict in your relationship, at a point of stalemate, or are wondering if this is the end, our advice to you is - don’t worry! This is a natural part of relationship. Rather than your relationship ending, it probably means that a stage of your relationship has come to an end, and you need to make some changes to move to a new and deeper level of communication and connection in your relationship. You may also find that you need some help. Read some books, go on a relationship course, or consider relationship counselling, which is becoming increasingly acceptable in our society, as an important support tool for the difficult task of relationship.
Relationship Advice - The Stages of Relationship
At NVC Resolutions, we believe that relationship is a path to growth. This path goes through distinctive phases. We divide these into 5 main stages, which we have adapted from a model used by the Centre for Gender Psychology. As you read through, consider which stage you are currently at!
1. Attraction
This is the falling in love stage where everything is rosy and magical. When we are with the other person we have a sense of wholeness, completeness and magic.
2. Maintenance
Gradually we settle into and create the patterns of our relationship. This means developing the routines of our relationship. These might include living together, and maybe marriage. It also includes establishing our 'safe distance for intimacy' with one another.
3. Polarisation
This stage is pretty much inevitable in relationship, so don't fret if you are in it! We are usually attracted to someone who is opposite to us in several distinct ways. Initially this is fun, but after a while it starts to grate and jar on us. This is often expressed in the form of judgements and criticism of one another. Much pain can be inflicted on each partner in this stage. This is the point where most people end their relationship and look for another partner (often very similar to the last one). But we say that this is where the real purpose of relationship - to challenge us to grow as human beings - kicks in!
4. Healing
This involves the challenging task of integrating into ourselves what we have projected onto our partner. This can mean changing the habits of a lifetime. We may also need to acknowledge and heal the hurt we have caused one another in the previous stage, through our words or actions.
5. Alchemy
If we commit to the work of the previous stage, we eventually emerge as two whole, rounded human beings relating to each other from our wholeness. Our love is born anew on a deeper level! Our relationship also gives us the strength to go out into the world and give to others from the fruits that we are blessed with!
Relationship Advice for Women – 3 Top Tips!
1. Be in your power
Globally we seem to be emerging from centuries of male dominated cultures, where men have made most of the important decisions in family life. Women were allowed to be vulnerable, but not powerful. The upshot of this is that even in modern cultures where there is more equality between men and women, women still have trouble really stepping into and owning their power as women – their natural intuition and highly attuned awareness of what is happening in their relationship. In relationship, women are the leaders, as men tend not to excel in this area! So as a woman you need to take the lead, have faith in your insights and intuitions, and challenge your man to step up to the plate relationally.
2. Communicate your needs, not criticism
Men seem prone to hearing criticism in what their women are asking of them, even if it isn’t meant. This is something men need to work on themselves. However, from your side, your man will find it easier to hear you if you can learn to express your dissatisfaction in terms of your feelings and needs, rather than in judgemental terms. For example, say, “I’m unhappy because I need your presence more.” rather than, “You are never there for me!” If you tend to express yourself critically to your man, Nonviolent Communication can help you greatly with learning to express yourself in ways that are easier for him to hear. See elsewhere on this website for our courses on Nonviolent Communication.
3. Keep it simple and direct
According to studies, the average woman speaks 3 times as many words as the average man. The average woman also has seven areas of the brain connected to speech, whereas the average man has two. The upshot of this is that if you use too many words to explain yourself, your man may lose the thread of what you are saying, and he will probably switch off. So, especially when you are wanting something from your man, keep it simple. Tell him how you are feeling, what you are needing, and make a straightforward request to him. Then step back and give him some space to process what you are saying (maybe on his own). Your man wants you to be happy, so chances are he will respond. Don’t hint at what you want either – he may not get the hint! Tell him clearly and unambiguously. This comes back to our first piece of relationship advice - be in your power, value your feelings and needs, and confidently express what you want.
Relationship Advice for Men – 3 Top Tips!
1. Value your relationship
For most men, relationship does not come as naturally as it does for women. Men are more task / work / achievement oriented. However, relationship is really important for you as a man, as it provides a stable foundation for your life, where you can get core needs met for love (and to love), touch, sex, affirmation and mirroring. When these needs are met, you will feel stronger, more grounded and confident. So value your relationship, and invest time in it, like you might in an important work project. If you do so, it will repay huge dividends, as it will provide a safe and calm harbour from which you can venture confidently out into the world.
2. Learn how to listen to your woman
Male and female brains really seem to be wired very differently, and the wires can easily get crossed. Women often want simply to be listened to as they share and work out their inner reality. Try not to react with your rational brain to the actual content of what your partner is saying. Listen more to her heart. Imagine yourself as a vessel that she is pouring her emotions into. She wants you to be strong enough to contain her emotions, not throw them back in her face, or drop the container and run! If you can be a containing presence, she will be able to express and release her feelings, calm down and become more centred and loving.
3. Articulate your feelings and needs
As naturally relational beings, most women want to know how others are feeling, what they are wanting. For many men, feelings are more distant and nebulous, even at times unconscious. If you can learn to make your feelings more conscious and articulate them to your partner, along with your needs, she will understand you better, and be able to orient herself to you better. If your woman says something like: “Are you feeling worried?” rather than just saying “No”, stop and check in with yourself. Maybe there is a corner of you somewhere where some worry is lurking, and she may well have spotted it with her finely tuned emotional antennae, when you haven’t! If you can acknowledge, “Yes, I am a bit worried”, you may both be able to relax more with one another. The Nonviolent Communication process is a great tool to help you become more emotionally articulate so, if you struggle in this area, consider learning it! This is our relationship advice to you!
Seeking Further Relationship Advice?
Areyou wanting more advice or support with your relationship? Why don’t you consider a counselling session with us? We work as a couple with you as a couple, so we can mirror each of you from your different gender perspectives. We also offer one to one counselling sessions, in person or by telephone, if you want to talk over your relationship confidentially with someone.
Relationships 
Gradually we settle into and create the patterns of our relationship. This means developing the routines of our relationship. These might include living together, and maybe marriage. It also includes establishing our 'safe distance for intimacy' with one another.
